Sobs in the nite
WS , my ex boyfrd , called me last nite .
He said he had a dream that his dad died and he never got to say goodbye .
The overwhelming grief stuck with him such force that he woke up feeling as if his dad had actually passed away , leaving him behind to wonder if he accomplished what he wanted to accomplish in his life.
When he awoke , he tried to calm himself down and it worked to some extent . But it didn’t stop him from padding down the stairs to check on his dad . He hopped into his parents bedroom and heard his dad snoring . He thot maybe that would help him back to sleep but didn’t. He only worried more about his sleep apnea . And he worried about his mom as well ~ What would she do if his dad passed away ? How long do they have together as a family ? All of these thots passed thru his head with the weight of the inevitable helplessness .
Then he got out of their bedroom and walked back upstairs . Each step taking him further away from his parents who have always been there ~ but one day won’t ..........
Soooooo , he called me @ 3:15 am and told me how his dad had died in his dream , how he broke down and the tears flowed out of him , trying to grow a flower of grief out of his pillow !
“ He died and I didn’t know what to do ..... "
“ I never told him goodbye .... "
“ He’ll never see me be anything but a failure...”
“ Some days I barely say hello to them . And one day I’ll never be able to again ......”
Thru sobs and tears he managed to form those words . He said he has never seriously thot about the possibility that one day their parents won’t be here for him but last nite he faced it head on and found himself woefully unprepared. He said his parents had worked so hard in order to give him and his three brothers a better living and education. And he feels like he has nothing to show for it . He feels as if he lets them down . He feels as if he’ll need them forever and when they pass away , he’ll be lost without them . And he’ll have disappointed his parents that he didn’t accomplish something before they died . Or he didn’t have grandchildren for them to play with . Or he didn’t get married . And he asked himself , if his parents passed away , would they feel like they raised a successful son . And he felt like the answer to both of those questions was a big NO.
He told me his biggest wish at the very moment is that his parents will stick around and stay healthy for a little longer , so that he'll do his best to get his shit together , then his parents can be proud of him .
After about 45 minutes of yak , he finally calmed down and decided going back to sleep , but leaving me wide awoke in the middle of the nite thinking about my late parents and my own failure story that I would never have had chance to reconcile ......