字裡行間

年輕時執拗於追逐存在意義，到了很後的後來健康平安就好 ! 為什麼而活 ？真有分別嗎 ？畢竟讓大都份人活下去的，都是些無聊不起眼的蠅頭小事以及 原始慾望 ！ 當然，每個人大抵都有一張清單，可遺憾的是存在有著太多的限制，往往為了解鎖成就而草草帶過 ！

 I stepped away  Not because I didn't care In fact it's I did too much To let him treat me like I'm less than my worth  ....

I am a thankful person ... That being said, I would be the last person on earth to crib and complain about life. But lately, I have lost my spark. I hardly laugh and lose my patience easily. It’s been going on for a while now. Earlier, I ignored it as some sort of weird mood swing. But it is growing. And I feel more and more withdrawn, more frustrated, more tired and more depressed ! Sure I understand these feelings can hit us all. The reasons can be small or big, or no reasons at all. We hardly understand life and emotions. We just try to make sense out of things. And sometimes, nothing makes sense. And I have accepted that I won’t be able to understand this mess. I can just embrace it and fight it. Or I can just give up. And I have given up at times, to be honest. I have resigned to my fate. I have fallen weak. I have cried and screamed helplessly.... I admit I'm a loser !!!! Meanwhile , I feel the heavy air around me . The surroundings seem dull. There is no vibe, no energies, ...

  天氣不知怎樣就變了，後院沒有遮蔽物，迎著風，秋裡的黃昏竟然已經這麼涼了。 我總珍惜這樣的一段時光，別人看作很無聊卻又不得不做的微細家事，我卻覺得它在日常的風景中，開出一道隙縫，讓人得以吹個風，鬆口氣，在上一個跟下一個工作之間，給了一根菸的可能。 當然我並不抽菸，我不過是在園子修個花草，然後又回到房子裡去，把還沒看完的書報看完，把沒畫好的畫作添個顏色，或是任性地吃個不該吃的點心。但就在這個時間裂縫裡，一個只有二百尺的小園子，我彷彿找到了一個安心地，讓我得以一邊修好草地花圃，一邊也同時理好經常雜草叢生的思緒。 我好喜歡這種跟自己獨處的時光，它讓我得以直視自己、修補自己，並試著給白天總是誠惶誠恐的自己好好安撫！

I'm tired …. to the point that sometimes i wanna give up !   I feel so exhausted in everything that no matter how many times I force myself to get up, I still end up feeling completely wear out. I've been thinking about my life and it's a shame on me seeing myself helplessly not progressing. I can't even make myself proud ! I'm tired … no matter how hard i’ve tried, i still can’t impress anyone , but that’s fine … I just want them to give me silence for awhile or simply leave me alone. I’m tired …. I’ve failed so many times to make myself better…. But before anyone become disppointed with me, I've already been disappointed with myself !!!

  日子是這樣輕，卻又那麼重 ．． 是的，只要活著，人就被困在難以掌控的矛盾中！

  " I don't consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin..." - Leonard Cohen -

I can't always be there for other people …. Not that I don't want to, but the sad truth is , I can't even be there for myself ... I no longer have anything left to give.... I'm drowning as well .... While I know I can keep a straight face most of the time, I'm just as helpless, giving it my all to keep my head above the water. While I know I look like I have it all figured out, there are nights when I just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours, worrying about tmr ....