A candid reflection of a skeptic

 

I am not made of hard edges ~  I've always tried to make 

everyone happy  ~  but myself  …

Yet fears constantly crawl on my  skin ,  itching  me  to skepticize even the surest of things and people in my life … 

 Yes , I hear every little space between words , the things people are saying by way of what they ain't .  And when they are not speaking ,  I read the language of their bodies ,  the way they purse their lips or roll their eyes or clench their jaws .  I see beyond who they present to the world  ,  the masks  ,  the shields and the walls   …   and then I vanish without a word if  I have noticed too many warning signs  !!!

I reckon everything good about me can be manipulated me  depending on circumstances  …  like  my  gift  of  self-awareness  can become insanity ,  stuck in  the  over-thinking  cycle  of  rationality  .  My flair for words can betray me ,  stringing out sentences I don’t want to be true …  truths that are  too  truthful  to swallow .  My  propensity  for  fear and  worry can incorporate into a restless buzzing  ,  an incapability to sit  my body down long enough to work on something  ,  anything  .  My  spontaneity  ,  on  

the  one  hand captivating  ,  on the other an obvious indication of my lack of control ,  my  lack of will ,  the absence of  the  perseverance I need to evoke a fulfilling   ,   merry life  .  Sure  ,  I  wanna  be  happy  …  yet  I scrunch  any  opportunity  to seize it  …  I want  to  be  there when  I’m here   …  and I want to be here when I’m there  !!!

I don't talk too much nor about myself too often  .  I run insanely hot and cold ,  knowing what I want in one second and changing my mind the next .  I'm sorry if you are exhausted by me …  it's becoz I too am exhausting  …  fully and completely  …  I wanna become a better person , but I am trapped in darkness , a twisted and winding road of my own doing . My mind is a maze and  I wanna find a way out … but I never take one when it’s there , open , ready ,  easy … Yup , I'm a weirdo !!!

 
I want to lap up life with two hands ,   arms outstretched like wings .  I am as sarcastic as I am sincere . As skeptical as I am earnest . I wanna live my truth …  even that means I will be banished from the main stream  …  Yes ,  I am always a difficult person to love … there're times  I am not worth being loved  and  there're  also  times I am too  good to be loved  . There’s a utter duality about me and I wanna blame it on my astrological sign  ,  but mostly I think this is just the way I am  ,   birthdate being what it is  .  I was born irregular !!

But here's the good thing  :  I always take people's kindness and love at face value . I won't take their anger or harshness or cynicism or hatred as who they are coz we all have armed ourselves for the battle of life in some way . I willgive people leniency coz  I demand leniency as well . I will see beyond the way their pain punches at the world because my pain , too , has landed 

many punches . I've allowed myself to hit the darkest of rock bottoms so that I can meet them there when they're at theirs  …  Sure ,  I don't always have the answers but I can sit with people and not be weary from their hurts . I am stoic in the face  of  emotional  heaviness  .  I will remind people of who they can become . I will see them at their absolute best without holding their hostage to that image . I can wait for them to get there  ~  to their best   ~  coz 

I'm getting there ,   too  …   YES  ,  HOPEFULLY !!!