Drowning

If  I  could  float back to when we had our heads above water  ,  afore we  began drowning on each others words  ,  I would 

tell myself  to remember that no matter how much I love U  ,  I should love myself just as much ,  if not more ...

Perhaps ,  if such a thing were possible ,  I should leave myself gasping rather than knowing you'd leave me bleeding   ...   Or maybe I'd have found a way to have candles and nestles and leisurely walks and breathless kisses  ...  A way to stay quietly and comfortably together without the noise of the doubt that now screams louder than our love ... 

I hope it's not merely my hallucination  ...  but we did love once  ,  didn't we ?  And it was sentimental yet full of joy and fascinating  ,  wasn't it ?

If I could pin point the exact moment we began to slide into each others darkness ,  long to return to our light  ,  I would stand abidingly and willfully ,  knowing what we'd lose would be more than our hurt could ever gain ...  perhaps you would hate me for that .... but I know it would be less than the distress we'd later strike ... 

If I could do it all again  ,  maybe I would just love you for a night  ,  a week or a month and leave you with the question of  this encounter  ... to forever ponder the strange and intriguing gal who gave U the world thru her words only to leave you satiated and wanting even more ...  

I will never know what it could have been like to be the gal I wanted to be to you .  But I will always know what it was like to nearly have the very thing I wanted . And to lose it becoz of the very thing I am . 

In a way I'm glad you didn't smash my heart excessively .  I was apt at doing that myself  ...  In a way I am glad you  drove  every shadow of sanity out of my heart and left me shivering from the cold of  insecurity , fear ,  doubt and hesitation  ~  for it has left such a hole in me ,  it could only ever  be  something great  that  fills it  ...  only ever something as tremendous and all consuming as you have been . 

If I could do it all again  ,  I don't think I would  ...  But  I'm  glad that we tried  ...  Because one day  ,  once the waves have stilled  and  the dread subsided  ,  I'll have learned more than I could have discovered on my own . 

Yes , You blew me off  ...  And I couldn't think of anything more beautiful to be flung against ...  coz at least  ,  while I  lay  watching mysteriously silent stars ,  saturated in you on the rocks of our hearts  ,  I am not drowning anymore ...