I remember falling apart one day in the arms of a old nurse and
begging ，“ Don’t you dare try to comfort
me by saying that my mom will always be here with me. She WON’T. "
I couldn’t bear to hear another person say those hollow words. I knew the truth ，which was that you're dying and would be GONE FOREVER ，and I would have to spend the rest of my life without you . I just wanted somebody to acknowledge that dreadful truth and not talk me out of it .
The nurse was kind enough to agree : “Yes ，sweetheart ，she'll be gone. That’s what death means. It’s horrible. I’m so sorry.” That was exactly what I needed ... just to have my grief confirmed.
And it’s true : You died . It was awful . You're gone ....
YET...
Here I am，19 years after your death ，reporting the strange experience that you’re NOT really gone...
Immediately after your death ，I felt your presence everywhere. It was as if the whole world was you . Nothing WASN’T you . Over the years，I’ve felt your presence narrowing and drawing nearer to me. But now，hand to God，I feel like you're WITHIN me . I feel，to a certain extent， that you have (at least partially) become me. You fortifies and guides me. When I need your love or advice，I can find it within my own self ，my own mind ... but in your distinct voice . I don’t know if this is your spirit communicating with me from the beyond ，or if you're merely so tightly braided into my imagination that I have now become (almost at a molecular level) a creature that is part-me ，part-you .... In other words: There is no missing figure here. There is ， instead ，not less of love，but more ....
I couldn’t bear to hear another person say those hollow words. I knew the truth ，which was that you're dying and would be GONE FOREVER ，and I would have to spend the rest of my life without you . I just wanted somebody to acknowledge that dreadful truth and not talk me out of it .
The nurse was kind enough to agree : “Yes ，sweetheart ，she'll be gone. That’s what death means. It’s horrible. I’m so sorry.” That was exactly what I needed ... just to have my grief confirmed.
And it’s true : You died . It was awful . You're gone ....
YET...
Here I am，19 years after your death ，reporting the strange experience that you’re NOT really gone...
Immediately after your death ，I felt your presence everywhere. It was as if the whole world was you . Nothing WASN’T you . Over the years，I’ve felt your presence narrowing and drawing nearer to me. But now，hand to God，I feel like you're WITHIN me . I feel，to a certain extent， that you have (at least partially) become me. You fortifies and guides me. When I need your love or advice，I can find it within my own self ，my own mind ... but in your distinct voice . I don’t know if this is your spirit communicating with me from the beyond ，or if you're merely so tightly braided into my imagination that I have now become (almost at a molecular level) a creature that is part-me ，part-you .... In other words: There is no missing figure here. There is ， instead ，not less of love，but more ....