20 years since you’re gone ...
It's been exactly 20 years since you're gone. I'm still amazed at how much I miss you ...
So many times I've wanted to share something that was going on with my life with you it's odd tho I had never thought to share when you're here ...
Countless things touch me in deep places now and in the past 20 years and I know it's becoz of you. I find myself crying a lot at little things ~ a scene in a movie ， a passage in a book ，seeing kids with their moms or even without a reason .... yes ， tears have always been easy for me though you had never taught me how to cry ... You taught me how to withhold my feelings and be strong on outside instead . I can only imagine what it’s like for you to hold in your own emotions all those years ... and your passing has made me to grow more fully into accepting my own feelings as real ... as straight... as it is supposed to be .
There’re things I still remember you had taught me or had said to me I probably will never agree with but there’re other things in which I am now able to see your wisdom ，hindsight is so clear ! Through all those ，I can now thank you and I know you’re always doing your best for me and the rest of the family.
I know you’re with me still ~ I can hear you and sometimes even feel you when I am full of silence ... I know you loved me in life and your love goes on from the other side . I know you worried about me and only wanted me to be happy ，whatever happiness meant ... I didn’t always understand that when you’re here and I didn’t tell you nearly enough how much i love you ~ in fact ，i’m not sure if i even knew ... I was so caught up in my own ego and my own life to pay much attention to others . Yet you always had time to talk to me when I wanted to and you reached out to me often . Sometimes i didn’t have time to talk and i cut the conversations short . I often felt we didn’t have a common language to have an extended conversation . What I didn’t see was we’re actually coming from different directions to the same hankering ~ we both wanted to have a great relationship and never quite made it to that common place ... except that one nite when I shared a deep personal feeling with you and I exposed my vulnerability to you . It was the very first time but also the last ... you held my hand tightly with your last strength and all you said was you wanted me to be happy and whatever i decided to do ，you’d still love me ... I felt soooo close to you in that particular moment which I had never experienced before ... i felt your love more powerfully in that one conversation and it’s my catalyst for wanting more ... but sadly ，we ran out of time ...
Mom ，I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain my stupid behaviours caused you ... some was out of my own ego ， some without my consciousness of how my choices were affecting you and some out of allowing myself to be controlled by other people’s wishes ..
Mom ，i know you’re now in a place where you see truth clearly and there’s nothing i can hide from you or say anything to surprise you.... And yes， i’m still not a strong person as you always wish me to become . I know i have much to learn ahead of me yet i find comfort in knowing you’re still with me ... even i can hug you no more ....
So many times I've wanted to share something that was going on with my life with you it's odd tho I had never thought to share when you're here ...
Countless things touch me in deep places now and in the past 20 years and I know it's becoz of you. I find myself crying a lot at little things ~ a scene in a movie ， a passage in a book ，seeing kids with their moms or even without a reason .... yes ， tears have always been easy for me though you had never taught me how to cry ... You taught me how to withhold my feelings and be strong on outside instead . I can only imagine what it’s like for you to hold in your own emotions all those years ... and your passing has made me to grow more fully into accepting my own feelings as real ... as straight... as it is supposed to be .
There’re things I still remember you had taught me or had said to me I probably will never agree with but there’re other things in which I am now able to see your wisdom ，hindsight is so clear ! Through all those ，I can now thank you and I know you’re always doing your best for me and the rest of the family.
I know you’re with me still ~ I can hear you and sometimes even feel you when I am full of silence ... I know you loved me in life and your love goes on from the other side . I know you worried about me and only wanted me to be happy ，whatever happiness meant ... I didn’t always understand that when you’re here and I didn’t tell you nearly enough how much i love you ~ in fact ，i’m not sure if i even knew ... I was so caught up in my own ego and my own life to pay much attention to others . Yet you always had time to talk to me when I wanted to and you reached out to me often . Sometimes i didn’t have time to talk and i cut the conversations short . I often felt we didn’t have a common language to have an extended conversation . What I didn’t see was we’re actually coming from different directions to the same hankering ~ we both wanted to have a great relationship and never quite made it to that common place ... except that one nite when I shared a deep personal feeling with you and I exposed my vulnerability to you . It was the very first time but also the last ... you held my hand tightly with your last strength and all you said was you wanted me to be happy and whatever i decided to do ，you’d still love me ... I felt soooo close to you in that particular moment which I had never experienced before ... i felt your love more powerfully in that one conversation and it’s my catalyst for wanting more ... but sadly ，we ran out of time ...
Mom ，I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain my stupid behaviours caused you ... some was out of my own ego ， some without my consciousness of how my choices were affecting you and some out of allowing myself to be controlled by other people’s wishes ..
Mom ，i know you’re now in a place where you see truth clearly and there’s nothing i can hide from you or say anything to surprise you.... And yes， i’m still not a strong person as you always wish me to become . I know i have much to learn ahead of me yet i find comfort in knowing you’re still with me ... even i can hug you no more ....