Save Myself

I’m at a disorientated time in my life  ~  Some would call it a crisis moment ， a fork in the road so to speak . I see it simply as a time of frightening and exhilarating clarity of who I’ve been ， and why .  I see my entire life built upon the constantly changing foundation of what I thought was expected of me . I believed that what I taught myself to be because of that belief ， was what gave me value . I lived my life as if my purpose as a human being was dependent upon my giving what was expected .

Now here I am , at 52 ，holding the knowledge that I screwed myself and everyone in my life ，out of the real deal . I get it ，it’s okay . I see and accept what I’ve done to myself  ，even it does piss me off at the moment . Yet I have learned my lessons ...
which took me half a century to figure it out ...

I've learned that honest communication is critical if we are to have any relationship worth having . I’ve learned that love is a living thing that can be grown to an incredible beauty or shoved into a closet for its inconvenience to slowly strangle until it is no more . Love is a living thing that can flourish and strengthen the environment where it exists or suffer from the poisoning of neglect ， thus destroying all that surrounds it with its misery as it dies .

I’ve learned that our lives are an example of what love is to us ，and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t scare the hell out of me . The example I’ve set is that love requires constant sacrifice ，and the lessening of self . I’ve lived as if it required that I didn’t matter ， that I never say “no” ，that I turned myself into a mat that it wiped its feet upon . I made myself matter so little to myself ( and therefore others) that everyone was a priority before what I wanted was considered . Unfortunately by the time I asked myself what was important to me ，I had no idea . None-At-All.

Here is all I know for sure right now ... I know that I want people around me that are honest enough to accept who I really am . People that are willing to say I’m sorry when they’ve hurt me ， and mean it. I want those strong enough to work through the hard shit becoz our friendship is worth it . I want those who are willing to work hard the same way I am willing to work hard ， to build a relationship of value and not just one that skims the surface . I’m tired of the bullshit ，the cheap seats and the easy way to nowhere. I’m not just tired of it ， I don’t want it in my life at all . Yup ，I honestly don’t have time to spend on those I can’t truly love . Coz they deserve better and so do I . It’s a ridiculous waste of time to live a half-hearted life in a mediocre way that fits into some blah-blah-blah bullshit of routine . I don’t want routine ，I want REAL . I’m willing to do the real and jump through the hoops that result in looking into the eyes of someone who will go the distance for me  ~  GENUINELY . Someone who deserves me to go the distance for them ，and I will because they’ve done the work and matched my resolve and offered their heart . Straight up and without apology . Devil take it ，come what may.

Right ，I don’t want vagueness . I have no interest in tepid or nerveless little gatherings of companion . Give me the people who will put themselves on the line for me . Give me those people and I will give them every bit of that in return . Yup ，that’s the kind of relationship I’ll go to war to preserve . Is that too much to ask ? And if it is ，please do me and yourself a favor ....  step aside and let the real ones through  . 

Right ， step aside  ， these words and this heart aren’t for you .