Assurance

I ain't able to shut off my stupid mind lately .... I breathe .  I jog . I try to sit in the quiet . I write . I dig into the word . I read . I pray .....  Yet there’s this never-ending stream of thoughts  !!! 

May be I don't have strong and confident faith in what I believe ， I still question a lot .  I look around for answers ~ even all along knowing everything will be laid out before me ， I just have to trust .

But sometimes it’s kinda hard to stop trying to take matters in my own hands  ~ it’s hard to wait when I wanna go ，hard to pause when I wanna run，   hard to sit still when my feet are itching to feel the pebbles beneath them ....

I surely wanna trust ，Father .... I wanna slow my mind and let it be filled with thots of you . I wanna quit thinking I have this life measured and mapped out ，and know that you’re walking along with me and I don’t have to be worry nor fear . I wanna stop trusting my own intuition to guide me ， and  go down the road you’ve paved for me . I wanna listen ....

So here I am listening .... I’m opening my ears  ， shutting off doubts . I'm focusing on your gospel rather than the stream of consciousness humming in my head . I'm trying to turn away from negative thinking and self-hate . I’m gonna believe that no matter what obstacle I face ，or mess I’m tossed into ，I don’t have to battle thru by myself all alone .... 

Sure ，you never promised life would be easy . I understand that I will have hard days ， that I will lose people ， that I will face death ， that I will encounter heartbreak ， that I will lose myself once and again ....  But I know ， you'll be with me when I go thru all these hard and difficult moments . That I don’t have to drag thru the drama and burdens of this life without hope ....  Yup ，instead of relying on imperfect people to answer the questions in my imperfect heart  ，instead of putting so much pressure on myself to be flawless and righteous and strong    ，  I’m gonna believe that no matter how heavy  ， how uncertain  ，how fragile I feel  ， you have a plan .

Perhaps I have no clue where this road will take me . I don’t know what you've planted or whether I’ll be happy or unsatisfied or confused in the days to come.... Yet I know that you are my God and you love all your children .... And maybe I believe that’s all I really need to know.... Amen !!!