grief

( Image " Ottokim )

 " No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. " - C.S. Lewis 

As I experience yet new feelings of grief，fear hits me hard in my chest and being .  If you have ever felt grief in your chest you know what I mean .  There is a real physical feeling in your chest that truly feels like a little piece of the heart breaking.  I first felt it when my sister passed away from cancer ... and then when my mom ，dad and another sister were fighting the same cancer and watching them dying ....  The feeling actually takes your breath away and the ache is inconsolable.
Now，I've felt a whole new kind of grief ...  The kind that goes with losing someone who is still alive ....  It's a complicated，twisted and dark grief.  For the first time in my life，I have no control of my heart breaks for someone other than my family members.  I believe it's because i am consumed with fear ...  Fear of what the upcoming days，the days in the weeks，months and maybe years will bring ... Feel soooo soooo low that prayers don't bring comfort ....  a whole new breed of grief .... filled with fear ...