Lesson
The last two years have been a bit of a hell for me ... anything could go wrong ... DID ...
I've started losing my direction and motivation . I wish I was just purely lost .... like those people who got a house and want a bigger one ; got a car but want a more luxurious one ; or got a permanent partner yet want another one or more on the side ....It's such a first world problem ， but not a real problem.
Then ppl around me told me that maybe I need a boyfriend ， a partner ，or even a marriage ! True ，my friends are mostly married .... but are they happier or more fulfilled than I am ? I doubt it ... literally ， I find they have faaaaaaar more emotional issues than I do !!!
For my whole life ， I have never treat romance as something more romantic than an achievement ， or a natural progression of a person’s development . I don’t think about relationship as a goal ， I don’t bother with getting married by 20s ， and having kids by 30 . In fact relationship for me is all about finding the soul mate ... We will read sedately in bed together ; we will look into each other’s eyes and find serenity and peace ; we will share endless conversations and laughter over the dinner table .... and not too long ago I thot I did find someone whom I could call a soul mate ... but the relationship failed too soon .... The reason we can’t be together is not of concern here ， but the fact that I can’t get over him is ....
I was lost .... and now I am lost and depressed ....
Lately ， I've tried to do something to manage my foul mood . I once tried to exert control over the situation but I realized that the more I tried to do something about it ，the more I felt distressed .
Sure , I fully understood the truth in all struggles in life is mainly becoz we're unable to let go ... yet I am so obsessed with why I can't completely discard that particular memory.
Being a loser all my life ， I am so used to failure ... I usually get the lost game over easily .... But I guess there's always exception .....
It was when I am facing the gigantic waterfalls in Niagara ， was I able to humble myself and accept the fact that there are more things I can’t control than I can . The false belief that I can one-handedly manipulate everything ，does not make sense from the outset .
Perhaps this past relationship is all about a lesson of letting go and getting better . I am progressing sloooooowly and hopefully I can put my life back together soon ....
Yes ， I hope ....