Road to Heaven .... A Lonely Journey

I was a miserable teen . As in ，I was miserable ; a great deal of the time .

As a ward of my family ，I felt a good many things to be out of my control . However ， with careful observation it became clear to me that I was in charge of my personal happiness . And I set about making certain that my own disposition became  ~  through much effort  ~  a sunny one.

This has served me well . Certainly ，it has made me more likable but it has also impacted my outlook on everything .

Even facing a terminal illness. Yup ，when I was first diagnosed I look at my odds and decided that it was going to be hard ，yet i decided to face it alone .

And so I have . But of course ，I never could have guessed that I'd be at this surviving thing for such an extended period .

It's a blessing .... And a curse ....

There was a op-ed in the New York Times today about the good in taking things for granted . Sadly ，that is a luxury well beyond my reach ... an innocence lost long ago ... yup ，my life is fraught ... every frigging moment ... Not by choice ，but rather circumstance.

4 years of living with a painful illness ，I have also lived with the knowledge that it’s terminal . My physical condition has not been quite stable for an extended period  ~  very much like riding on a roller coasters ....

Dozy ， resting ，biding its time. I feel at ease . Sometimes I even pretend that I can let down my guard  ~  just assume I'll be sticking around ..... Those are the good days.

But then it hits ... like a ton of rocks or a platinum doublet . I am alive but alone with an uncertain future on every front . Grateful and terrified all at the same time . It's not just eating me up physically ，but biting me off mentally as well !

Right .... this is hard .... Dead hard ....