I always loved writing yet It had been decades since I last used newspaper column as a source of relieving my heart. I had stopped as a method of leaving my lonely past behind ，but it seems I have returned to a much darker place ⋯

But this  darkness needs to go ... FAST !

I  have always been shy and isolated ，keeping myself locked in my room partly because I was sheltered and partly because I had become accustomed to avoiding the world. For the longest time I was fine with this. I told myself that it was what I wanted ，yet I was always down and depressed  ... Sure ，this world we live in is very lovely ，beautiful and vibrant ... yet a scary place as well .

Fearfulness was always something I disliked ，how i wish i can get rid of this anxiety and live everyday normally as they come .

I cannot say my life is worth complaining about ... i always know that there are millions people out there who suffer may be 10 times worse than what I've been through ，but for years I had no idea where this depression and darkness came from.

Perhaps I was born with this tendency to beat myself up for every little thing. Since I was little, I somehow always found something to take the blame for. Over time it really affected me. I began to think that people disliked me. Even those close to me. I guess I never took well to being scolded or criticized

This isn't how I wanted this blog to start. I can't seem to finish a single thought and reading back...my thoughts truly are sporadic. That's when I concluded...what better way to start than to give an example of my disoriented mind. Just as it's difficult to talk to others ，it seems I have hard time even talking to myself ...