The long road

All my life ， I've been fighting a battle between who I want to be and who I am . I grew up trying to fit the perfect image of a person for my family .... unfortunately ， I never succeeded in becoming that person . Forget that they were never satisfied ， I was never satisfied with myself . No one knew it ， but every criticism and every response to my mistakes pushed me further into depression . I degraded myself heavily physically， mentally， and emotionally. It is at a point that it's unbearable to contain . Up until recently I coped with the stress by doing mindlessly pleasurable things ~  like munching on junk food .  I'm struggling so hard to allow myself to be free . I want to escape my mind . I truly do .... yet ，it feels like I'm keeping myself from being there !!! And I'm in an infinite loop with these emotions .... there’re times a quick flash of death . I don't like to use the word "suicide" coz I do not have the urge to harm or kill myself ，but when I casually conjure up images of myself in unlikely death situations ，I feel numb  ~  Just as I've always been ⋯ And allow fate to take me ⋯