Liver
Life is hard enough under normal circumstances ，but you get thrown into the lion’s den when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness .... It’s something that changes you forever ，whether you are willing or not . The diagnosis and the fallout usurp every fiber of who you are before the illness .
Some people are able to shake it off or move on and become survivors .... yet I am not one of them .... yup ，I am not a survivor . I am clawing and groping my way through this . I am a LIVER .... Everyday I live ，yet it isn’t easy . Some days when I am lucky，I live like a normal person .... I wake up refreshed and ready to take on the day . I don’t hate my achy bones and I don’t frown at the image I see in the mirror ，even it looks quite out of shape . I go out and take on the world like I own it ，then come home ，fall into bed feeling fully satisfied ，and not once throughout the day do I feel like I am sick .
But those days are rare ，like a purple unicorn with a four-leaf clover ！Most of my days are totally different .... I often wake up tired and achy . I’m sluggish and struggle to get through the day ．Dying is constantly on my mind ... With every ache and bout of fatigue，I am reminded ... Yet I claw and crawl and live ....
And living with a terminal illness is exhausting ，you never get a break . There are no days off. It is an ongoing slog up hill ，sometimes you get a reprieve yet you still need to keep going ... One foot in front of the other ... And It’s been seven years already ，I can’t believe that I am still alive to speak about it ，but it isn’t without cost . It warps you. Your sense of self and how you relate to others is forever tainted by the experience of having and living with this incurable illness . Living with it makes you myopic to the detriment of relationships and to yourself .
It is a never-ending carousel of ups and downs and it is exhausting not being able to stop the ride. Maybe I sound pessimistic because I am in a funk or maybe I’m tired ， or maybe I’m just being real .
Most people don’t or can’t understand this crazy life I live ，how could they? So ，often times there is an assumption that if you aren’t sick and dying ，you must be just fine and dandy . The thing is ，I AM SICK and DYING ... just not yet . And they don’t understand my dark humour ... I joke about dying. Well ，I simply think ，If you can’t laugh about it ，all you’d do is cry ... I’d rather laugh then . They think I’m morbid when I talk about how I wanna die alone and with no funeral . I just don’t wanna be around with ppl . I was a lonely sad sop in life ，I don’t see why I wanna be a different person in death !
Life can’t all be stars and roses ，and I try to remember that struggling makes one stronger ，that adversity makes me thankful for what I have .... I have life . It isn’t an ideal life ，but it is my life. It is a life that I am grateful for，that I will claw for，that I live for，as long as I can .