God’s plan

Dear Father 

I come to you with my heart in my hands.

There are pieces of it that are missing ，given to a man who couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved. There are arteries with tiny holes，for all the ways I’ve convinced myself I wasn’t enough. There are veins that pump too wildly coz sometimes there’s just too much emotion happening in there. There are parts that are bruised ⋯I haven’t been so good with guarding what you’ve given me.

But my heart’s still intact ⋯tho days like today it sure doesn’t feel like it.

Father ，I come to you with this heart ⋯this tired heart that keeps giving itself away. I come to you with loss ，with breakage，with fear for the future and still wrestling with my feelings for a man who I’m no longer with ，still trying to figure out if I can ever let go of him and unlove him.

Father ，I come to you with all of me tho broken ，hoping that somehow you’ll repair the damage，heal his and my soul again. you’ve given all of us humans the gift of love and blessed with hearts to let others in，with the ability to connect in ways we can’t even explain or comprehend sometimes. It’s so wonderful yet sometimes I don’t understand it.... Why do you let us fall for people who maybe aren’t right for us? Why do you allow us to have such powerful emotions ，such profound relationships if they’re eventually going to fail? Why do you let us get cheated on，mistreated，broken，and left? What’s the lesson we’re supposed to be learning ~ To not settle until we’ve found the real thing? To look for love like your love? To be strong in loss?and why must we learn it in such a painful way?

You brought this unique man into my life. You let me fall for him ，let my heart become intertwined with his，let our lives grow together and shift and change. You allowed me to have such deep feelings that sometimes I question looking back.

If he wasn’t right for me，then why did you let me love him?

I guess that’s one of the things I’ll always wonder. Maybe you brought him into my life to teach me how to let others in. Maybe he was supposed to be a blessing for a time，but also a lesson. Maybe he was pulling me away from you，so you let us fall apart ⋯ Maybe we were meant to be temporary，not permanent because we belong to other people. Maybe our breakup will make me stronger in time... Yet it’s so hard to know your purpose sometimes. It’s so hard to make sense of the ache in my chest. It’s so hard to look at photos of him and remember what I had ... was it all for nothing?

Father ，I come to you today with my heart in fragments，with sadness and frustration ，with doubt and fear. and questioning whether or not I made a mistake .

Father ，my heart feels tired. I need you to renew strength in me. So please give me the strength to let go of the past，of the pain，of him. Help me to see that the way he treated me doesn’t define me，that I will be fine again. Show me that you are here for me，and that if I trust you with my heart，you will guide me  onto the right path，no matter how far I have strayed.... I need your strength to help me continue in this journey ，even when I remember the bad times between us ，even when I feel frustrated ，even when I’m reminded of how we fell apart...

Father ，please give me the strength to let go and pursue love again. Give me the compassion to move on from what’s been lost and follow in your ways. We may have gone our separate ways ，but I still  thank youfor putting him in my life ... Maybe I won’t know the reason now，but he showed me love for a short period of time，and even though my heart still aches，I know in time I will understand it was all a part of your plan.

Amen.