living years
I absolutely failed at being the perfect caregiver for my dad when he was sick and dying ...
As soon as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer ，I decided that it was my job to take care of him ，and I intended to do it with excellence ， patience， skill ，spiritually ，grace ， and unconditional love. I decided that being the perfect caregiver to him was my mission and the entire purpose of my life after mom passed away.
Well， but I failed .... Again and again，I failed !!!
I was overcome by exhaustion，by my own grief， by frustration at him for being an uncooperative and ungrateful patient ，by resentment at God for letting all my love ones suffering from this fatal and painful illness.
I fell apart. I fell short. My ego was shattered and my heart was broken ...
By the end ， I got so fragile，I became somebody who other people had to take care of ，because I was such a wreck. So I failed at being Florence Nightingale. I failed at being an angel. And right after he died ，I apologized to my closest sister that I had not been better at my 『job』 of taking care of my late parents.... Really ， I had been their caregiver for years and there’re always something I could do to make things better . And when they diagnosed with cancer， they’re already at the stage that there’re not as much as i could do. Sure ，I was stand by 7/24 , took care of them on daily basis ... fed them (if they’re still able to take the food down)，cleaned them ，held their hands and talked to them ... but there’re really not much I can actually DO for them .
That’s when she told me that I had it all wrong. My job on this earth was never to become a perfect caregiver. Or a perfect anything. My job on this earth ，according to our late mother in her last days ， has only ever to learn how to find mercy for myself .... Mercy for the difficult — sometimes impossible — dilemma of being human.
So for anyone out there today who thoughts yourself is『failing』at being the perfect caregiver ，the perfect daughter /son ，the perfect grandkid .... please drop the knife you are holding at your own wrist . It was never your job to be the perfect ANYTHING. Your only job is to find mercy — starting with you. Again and again and again !