Close to me

In the moments of glee ，in the moments of pain，in every single moment that I wander this earth  I only wish to understand more of your will for my life and to feel your presence around and within me ... 

But this is not at all easy ...

I am damn scared ... Sometimes I put a positive face on for the world，but in the depths of my heart I am still questioning .  I find myself worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet . I find my mind spinning about what’s to come . I find myself losing my grip on all that I have coz I’m too busy searching for what I feel is still missing .

Why do I do this?

Every time I feel lost ，you bring me back to you ．  I wander ，searching for fulfillment in everything that’s temporary ．I rely on my own two legs ，only to discover they’re not strong enough on my own . I run，only to grow weary and crawl back to your arms ...

So why do I fight this ? Why do I think I can find the answers anywhere else ? Why do I question what’s so firm and secure ，thinking that I can somehow find peace in a place that’s impermanent？Why do I push people away ？ 

I’m so damn stubborn.

I’m plagued with doubt and  filled with stress. My life is so often falling into darkness and I just pray that you will bring me light and show me hope. You have saved me so many times before. Sometimes I feel like I’m running out of second chances ，but then,，you remind me that your love is unconditional. You remind me that there is nothing I can do that will keep me from your arms ⋯  I know I don’t deserve this ，and yet ，maybe I do ⋯coz I am your child ，created in your image and you see my worth even when I don’t ．Maybe I will forever fall short ，yet you love me anyway ⋯so I don’t have to live my days wishing I could be someone else，wishing I could be better，wishing I was anything other than the imperfect bag of bones wandering this earth.

How powerful is that ! How powerful is it that no matter what emptiness I fall into ，no matter what pain I face，no matter what loss or death or illness or brokenness comes knocking at my door ，you are beside me，fighting the battle，carrying me through，bringing me sunshine and grace and another chance to live and love  again.

Thank you for the way you’ve been by my side ，regardless of any circumstances . Sure ，sometimes I fall into a hole and forget who you are. But please remind me and lift me from the temptations that might be so messy and entangled around me.

Yes ，please draw me close ...