underwater

Depression has been creeping up on me for years but I’m feeling the full force of it lately... Staying up all night， dozing from dawn to late morning， getting up， getting dressed， lying down， gazing at walls and doing nothing， and three quarters of my brain has stopped functioning .... 

I’m being such a bad friend. Calling off everything. Commitments I’d agreed to months ago， just discarding them all with a “sorry” and hoping no-one asks questions. I can’t face people， can’t leave the house， struggling to leave my room. Feeling so goddamn guilty when I get messages back saying like  “I was only going because you were” ....  but I can’t go back on it， can’t change my mind， can’t be around anyone.... 

Have to switch my phone and tablet off，can’t allow anyone to contact me...

Argh. I have no clue how to get out of it....

Look ... I know this is pathetic. I know there is no reason. I just feel like I’m underwater ....